Haircuts In A Halfshell

Bravery. Honor. Hair gel?

When it comes to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, lots of things come to mind, but haircuts are not one of them. Yet somehow, lots of wacky hairdos can be spotted in my TMNT toy collection. Why do good guys, bad guys & other freaky mutants have hair? The 90s were weird times, man.
Let's take a trip to the sewer salon & see which characters have bodacious locks. Snip, snip.

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- CRAZY CLOWNIN' MIKE -

Everything about Crazy Clownin' Mike's hair reminds me an awkward photo from middle school. The years when you were still getting a grasp on your identity, trying out new styles and looks. You fought so hard to keep up with the trends and to be "cool." Yet most of the time, the effort resulted in failure. And it's these painful middle school photos that act as a window into an awkward time we try so hard to forget.

This figure is Michelangelo's middle school photo. A time when he harnessed his spirit animal, Larry from The Three Stooges. We can look back and remember this clown phase, when that was "really cool." The fresh, fun haircut of 1992 is now nothing but a painful memory here in 2016.

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- PUNKER DON -

Oy, Oy! Punker Don is cowabunga counter culture. Just like a middle finger to a crowd, his mohawk lingers in the air with an anti-establishment attitude. If mutant turtles growing hair wasn't rebellious enough, Punker Don adds even more skank by dying it orange.

This figure is one of my all-time favorites, and the appreciation stems from the hair on Donny's head. It fills me with curiosity. Does Punker Don exclusive grow mohawks on his dome? Or is it a full head of hair that he shaves down? Unfortunately, the action figure's packaging doesn't list that sort of stuff.

The blitzkrieg bodacious.

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 - TOON DASK -

If TMNT took place in a high school, Dask would be a jock. The quick-witted teenager from Dimension X has the hair style of a cocky brute that shoves nerds into lockers & cheats on his tests. His protruding blue hair is a missile of confidence aimed to taunt dweebs like Donatello. His cocky momentum continues with a set of ugly sideburns running down his face. The only thing he's missing is a varsity jacket.

Total greaser.

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- TROLL RAPHAEL -

This dude is the godfather of hair-styling action figures. In 1992, the TMNT & Troll brands were wild fires of success. They could not be controlled. Their flaming hot popularity burned cursorily into every kid in America. It only made sense that the two phenomenons would join forces and become an even more unstoppable force. Well, this is what we got - an outlandish freak show that's both cute and creepy.

The difference between this dude and the other TMNT figures is the texture. Raphael isn't donning some plastic hairdo, his locks are legit. Modeled after the classic Troll style, his thick poof is like a lightening rod reaching for the sky. I love this figure for its mashup attributes, but as an action figure it's a dud. What's the appeal? Fight the Foot Clan & then comb hair afterwards?

Grooming was never part of my playtime.

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- APRIL, THE RAVISHING REPORTER -

Toy manufacturers often state that female action figures don't sell as well compared to ones depicting males. But, TMNT still had their fair share of ladies released in plastic form. April naturally saw the most time in the spotlight. As the TMNT franchise got even more popular, her figures became more and more outlandish. Cave Woman April, Shogun April, Mutating April - the hits kept coming. In 1992, we got the cream of the crop. April, the Ravishing Reporter - a figure described as "the gutsy news gal." With the high heels, revealing shirt & zany hair, April, the Ravishing Reporter is the butt of a lot of jokes. But in the scope of TMNT haircuts, she's an undeniable winner.

Her tuff of "life-like" hair is a goofy gimmick that I'm okay buying into. The style embraces the sewer spirit. Full of frizz, it's a total rats nest! April has spent one day too many underground. Tame that mane, girl.

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Who knew there was so much hair in the TMNT universe? It makes me wonder why a mutant barber was never introduced. With all these dopey hairdos, a barber would never be hurting for work.

Haircuts In A Halfshell - I love this series. Expect more in the future.