Issue 26: Eat Up, Dude (Part 3)

ISSUE 26: EAT UP, DUDE (PART 3)

If your tummy is rumbling for some Ninja Turtles snacking, The Sewer Den has got you covered once again. Eat Up, Dude - Part 1 whet your appetite and Eat Up, Dude - Part 2 delivered a sensational second dish. Still got room in your food basket? Well, sink your teeth into another helping and get your Ninja Turtles grub on.

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CHEESE PASTA DINNER

The green machines are famous for their pizza-pounding abilities. The Turtles and tomato pie are inseparable. The simple meal morphed into a pop culture phenomenon during the height of their popularity in the 90’s. But, when the Turtles took a break from their favorite Italian cuisine, what else was served?

 

If you guessed something 100% enriched with Durum Semolina, you are correct!

When the Turtles couldn’t get their cheese fix with pizza, it was coming on pasta instead. Primera Foods introduced the world to the Ninja Turtles very own Cheese Pasta Dinner. But actually, the meal is properly listed on the box as TMNT AND Cheese Pasta Dinner. The word "and" looks weird and sounds gross.

  

Kids could fill their bowls with four unique pieces of pasta. Each Turtle is represented – executing some delicious, ninja-noodle moves. Unfortunately, their poses will keep your dinner pretty tame. The kicks are lackluster and the punches have the arm power of a T-Rex.

Raphael (my favorite Turtle!) truly disappoints here. This ninja master should be kicking his way to the dinner table! Instead, the poor fella looks like a tiny-armed sumo wrestler stepping into the ring.

I wanted to include the nutrition facts. But, there really aren’t any nutrients when it comes to a Cheese Pasta Dinner.

Another packaging mystery is the positioning of the fearsome four. This iconic pose has been plastered on the face of thousands of Ninja Turtles products. But, this time the image has shifted the boys around a bit. Donatello dives into Michelangelo's usual spot in the sewer.

 

Check out the pasta artwork compared to the usual artwork found on this button.

 

Sadly, if this were still available in the supermarket, I'd shell out the cash to buy a few boxes. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja CHEESE!

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DELICIOUS BITE SIZE COOKIES

Moving on to a mild dessert, the Turtles go for the Delicious Bite Size Cookies. The packaging is lucrative and enticing with all its TMNT action. All four Turtles and the blimp grace the front of this action-packed box. People purchased these cookies based purely on the TMNT brand - because the actual cookies are nowhere to be found on the packaging. Were the bite size snacks really that bad? Not even one picture could sneak its way onto the box? My particular snack pack is cookie-less. Since 1989, the bite size bits became crumbs and those crumbs got lost in the shuffle. So unfortunately, we have no evidence of what this cookie culprit might have look like.

The designers who whipped up this packaging deserve credit for their stellar work. The Turtles have the perfect mix of serious ninja and goofy gags spread across this box. Each one hangs off the blimp with their own mini scenario.

 

Leonard mans the controls.

 

Donatello swings into action and Michelangelo high-fives in the skies.

And Raphael…well Raphael fights off a pesky bird. Not sure what that's about, but it's a gag that deserves a laugh.

I often wonder if anything I ate in the 90's was natural. Supermarket shelves seemed to always be stocked with processed products packed with artificial flavor. The Delicious Bite Size Cookies are no different. Artificially flavored chocolate chip? I didn't even know that was possible. How difficult is it to throw a real, natural chocolate chip in a cookie? Fighting crime, flying blimps above the city, and defeating the Shredder were all feasible for the Turtles. But, natural chocolate chips? Nope.

 

Proof in the pudding that this snack has survived through the ages since 1989. Alas, if only the cookies had made the journey too…

 

One of the best aspects of purchasing TMNT foods was the chance to score some sweet Turtle merch. Almost every box included a mail-in offer so kids could get their grubby mitts on even more ninja action. Delicious Bite Size Cookies had one of the best deals - the TMNT Fan Club. The illustrious club showered you with gifts from the start. Stickers, exclusive posters, a bandanna, an official membership card - the goodies kept coming. Was I a member of the TMNT Fan Club? You bet your shell. But, that post is for another day.

 

Delicious Bite Size Cookies also included one "cookie point." Not sure if there were any perks to collecting "cookie points" - they have nothing to do with the TMNT Fan Club (at least according to the order form on the box). Kids could collect hundreds of "cookie points" and then do absolutely nothing with them. Fun!

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APPLE CINNAMON GRAHAMS

If you didn't find artificially flavored chocolate chips appetizing, don't fret, you won't go hungry. Delicious kept every taste bud in mind when baking bite size TMNT treats. Open your mouth wide for a whole new flavor - Apple Cinnamon Grahams.

 

While eating a cookie of his own, Raphael flashes a hearty smile and clutches a comic book-style word bubble that reads "Super Van." What does a "Super Van" have to do with a box of cookies? Well, the box is a "Super Van."

 

Did Delicious bake tasty cookies? Who cares. Their packaging design goes above and beyond creative genius - and the Apple Cinnamon Grahams certainly take the cake (cookie?).

 

Based loosely on the design of the Turtles main mode of transportation, the Party Wagon, these cookies come packaged in a box full of fun. Whopping wheels, menacing gun turrets, and a spoiler hanging off the roof for some added sleekness - the Super Van packs a punch. The little steering wheel peering over the dashboard is especially delightful. Is it weird to wish this box of cookies was my first car?

 

The details continue to the rear. Tiny brake lights and a mini bumper bring cookie craving to a whole new level.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how awe-inspiring this vehicle might be, there's a flaw. Like the chocolate chip cookies, these guys are artificially flavored. Bummer.

 

Shocked these snacks held from 1989? I certainly am. This is on par with digging up a dinosaur skeleton. The Apple Cinnamon Grahams must have been pumped with preservatives along with their artificial flavor. They remain in decent shape with minor aging. I’m not really sure the proper way to describe a decaying cookie, so I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

The enticing scent of fresh cookies is long gone from these guys. No apple, no cinnamon, no graham.

Although you may have to squint, each Turtle is still distinguishable. The weapons solve the mystery and help identify each ninja.

Leonardo

Donatello

Michelangelo

And Raphael.

The big question – did I taste one of these guys? Nope, not just yet. Like a fine wine, I’m letting it age a few more years.

 

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BLUE BUNNY ICE CREAM POPSICLE

Dessert at its finest – straight from the ice cream truck. But unlike the Apple Cinnamon Grahams, ice cream can’t survive the test of time. Temperature and freezer burn certainly make sure of that. What we’re left with is a simple sticker from an ice cream truck. Like a museum, it gives us a look into what did exist in the past.

Bubble gum eyeballs! Kids piled up in front of the ice cream truck on those hot summer days for a TMNT popsicle. Within seconds the icy treat would be gone and kids would be chomping their teeth on two pieces of bubble gum.

This sticker is straight from the 2003 cartoon series. Although it’s a few years old, it has the Nickelodeon logo on it. This is no cookie from 1989 – it’s a little more recent. But, one glance at this sticker and you’re instantly transported back to the sweaty summer afternoons as a kid. The memories of biting off those frozen bubble gum eyeballs with the front of your teeth are buried within every TMNT fan’s mind.

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I usually keep an eye out at flea markets and on the internet for all sorts of silly mutant munchies – I’m always hungry for more. The Turtles ventured into some weird merchandise, but the food items they distributed are my favorite. The older they get, the weirder they are to own. A limited edition TMNT poster can only go so high in value. But, a batch of Apple Cinnamon Grahams? Priceless.

Well, maybe not. But, they’re priceless to me!